By Susie Steel, CFP®
I recently sat my family down for what my son immediately dubbed “the death meeting.”
My husband, Kevin, and I are starting to travel together more, and it hit me that our three kids, all in their 20s, would be completely lost if something happened to both of us. They are smart, capable young adults, but they didn’t know where anything was. They didn’t know the passwords, where the important papers were kept, or who to call first. They certainly didn’t understand the responsibilities they would suddenly inherit.
So, I put together an agenda and a summary document. We covered how our will and trust work, what happens with the rental property, and their specific responsibilities regarding their grandmother.
I wasn’t sure how they would react. I worried it might feel morbid or overwhelming. But they showed up shockingly prepared, asked thoughtful questions, and told me afterward how much they appreciated it. Now, we’re planning to do it annually.
The first conversation is always the hardest, but once it’s done, the air in the room changes. You realize you aren’t just planning for an end—you’re providing a map for the people you love most.
Why We Avoid These Conversations
I understand the hesitation. Some of my clients have spouses who refuse to come to meetings if they think we’re going to discuss end-of-life planning. It feels like you’re tempting fate or rushing toward something you’d rather not think about.
There is also the worry about how your children will react. Will they think you’re playing favorites? Will old resentments surface? Some parents may fear that bringing it up will make them seem vulnerable in front of their kids or open doors to conversations they aren’t ready to have.
So the documents get signed and filed away. You tell yourself there is plenty of time to have that conversation later. But in my experience, later often becomes never.
What I’ve Seen Happen
This is exactly why I encourage my clients to bring their adult children into the picture while there is still time to explain the reasoning behind their decisions. You don’t have to hold a formal meeting to accomplish this; sometimes it’s as simple as making sure the kids have copies of key documents, know where things are kept, and understand who the right people are to call.
A will or trust can answer many questions, but not the ones that start with “why.” Those answers only come from the person who made the decisions, while they are still here to give them. And yet, for most families, that conversation keeps getting postponed.
How This Works in Practice
Because I work with clients for many years, I tend to know their families almost as well as I know them — the relationships, the history, who tends to worry and who tends to dig in their heels. When estate planning conversations come up, that context matters. It shapes how I encourage clients to think about bringing their children into the picture.
That involvement can look different for every family. Sometimes it’s as simple as making sure the adult children have copies of key documents and know where things are kept. Occasionally, when a client feels it would help, I’ll speak with their children directly to answer questions.
Whatever form it takes, the goal is the same: the people who will eventually need to act on this plan shouldn’t encounter it for the first time in the middle of a crisis.
The Weight You’re Carrying Alone
I see it in my office: that visible tension in a client’s shoulders when we start discussing “what happens if.”
When you face these decisions in isolation, it’s heavy. You’re wrestling with your own mortality, the pressure of being fair, and the nagging fear of leaving your children with a logistical mess to untangle. It’s a significant burden to carry entirely on your own.
But as I found with my own family “death meeting,” having the conversation doesn’t make the end happen any faster. It just means that when it does, your children will have clarity instead of confusion. And in the meantime, you get the relief of knowing you aren’t the only one who understands the plan. You get to share the roadmap now, so they don’t have to guess later.
How to Start
You don’t need a formal meeting in a conference room. In fact, the more natural you can make it, the better. Some families start the conversation over dinner. Others use a specific event as an opening—a milestone birthday, a recent health scare, an update to the estate plan, or a move to a new home.
When I organized our family meeting, I found that preparation was the key to lowering the temperature. I sent the kids a summary document ahead of time so they weren’t blindsided by the information. I asked them to come prepared to take notes and ask questions.
What matters is being honest about the ‘why.’ When you address these questions now, you get the rare opportunity to see their reactions and offer clarity while you’re still here to do so.
The Real Gift
That family meeting you’re putting off isn’t just about wills and trusts. It’s about showing your children you trust them with this information and modeling the kind of open communication you’d hope they will have with their own children someday.
And honestly, it’s about giving yourself peace. Once the plan is out in the open, that weight you’ve been carrying finally has a place to land.
The documents matter, but the conversation might matter more.
Have you been avoiding this conversation and would like some help thinking through how to approach it? I’m here. Call me at (317) 469-2455, email ssteel@deerfieldfa.com, or use my online calendar to schedule a time to talk. You can read what my clients have to say about working with me here.
Frequently Asked Questions About Estate Planning Family Meetings
What is an estate planning family meeting and why is it important?
An estate planning family meeting is a structured conversation where parents share key details about their estate documents, healthcare wishes, and decision-makers with their adult children. It helps reduce confusion, prevent conflict, and clarify responsibilities before a crisis occurs. Rather than leaving loved ones guessing, this meeting creates shared understanding while you’re still able to explain your intentions.
When should you hold an estate planning family meeting?
The best time to hold an estate planning family meeting is shortly after updating your will, trust, or healthcare directives—or during a major life event such as retirement, a move, or a health change. Waiting until a medical emergency or death occurs often increases stress and miscommunication. Proactive conversations allow everyone to ask questions and understand the plan in advance.
Who should attend an estate planning family meeting?
Typically, adult children, named executors or trustees, and anyone designated as a healthcare or financial power of attorney should attend. Some families also invite a neutral third party, such as a fee-only financial advisor to help guide the discussion and keep it productive. A facilitated meeting can ease emotional tension and provide confidence that important topics are fully addressed.
About Susie
Susie Steel is COO, Wealth Manager, and Senior Shareholder at Deerfield Financial Advisors, a fee-only financial advisory and wealth management firm with offices in Indianapolis and Chicago. With over three decades of experience in financial planning, Susie’s approach has always been rooted in a spirit of service, treating each client as an extension of her own family. She simplifies the complex for clients, with the goal of creating a calm, trusting, and nurturing environment. Her unwavering commitment to the principle of “To whom much is given, much will be required” serves as the driving force behind her dedication, diligence, and empathy.
Susie obtained a business management degree from Ball State University, holds the CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER® designation, and held the Accredited Estate Planner (AEP®) designation from the National Association of Estate Planners & Councils (NAEPC) from 2013 to 2018. Susie is actively involved with an extensive list of professional organizations, including NAPFA (The National Association of Personal Financial Advisors), a premier association of fee-only financial advisors, and has served on multiple boards, committees, and councils. Her consistent recognition as one of Indianapolis Monthly’s “Five Star Wealth Managers” for the past decade attests to her outstanding accomplishments (2009-2025).
Outside the professional realm, Susie has contributed to her community through numerous efforts including her involvement in the Financial Center First Credit Union (FCFCU), the Indianapolis Children’s Museum Planned Giving Council, the Kiwanis Club of Northwest Indianapolis, and Junior Achievement. She mentors women through the CFP® Board’s “WIN-to-WIN” program, embodies the spirit of Rotary Club of Carmel, advocates for Indiana Canine Assistant Network (ICAN), and actively serves on the board of the Mary Rigg Neighborhood Center (MRNC).
Susie and her husband, Kevin, reside in Carmel, Indiana, where they raised their three children. Outside the office, her focus centers around family, spirituality, and fostering meaningful connections. Embracing the concept of the body as a temple, her personal growth is nurtured through practices like strength training, yoga, and meditation. In her leisure time, she enjoys strolls with her dog, Lulu, and indulges in movies, podcasts, books, and the theater. To connect with Susie online, follow her on LinkedIn or Facebook.
