Parenthood involves a lot of challenges. Helping your adult children financially can be one of the most challenging things to navigate. It starts from a place of love, but over time, the boundaries can get blurry. For many families I work with, the answer is complex. They have the means to assist with home down payments, grad school tuition, or even monthly expenses. And as parents, the instinct to provide doesn’t vanish when the kids turn 21.
But at some point, the question surfaces: When does helping start to hurt more than it helps?
And how do you know when it’s time to step back, and how do you do it in a way that feels right for your family?
Why Parents Help (and When It Makes Sense)
At its core, financial support is an expression of care. Parents want to ease the burden and give their children a head start. And in some situations, it’s not only appropriate, it’s wise. Helping a young adult with graduate school, their first home, or even supporting a grandchild’s education can be a meaningful use of your resources.
There are also strategic reasons. Giving while you’re alive (“with warm hands”) can help reduce estate tax exposure and may bring joy you won’t experience through a will. Some clients also find that this allows them to model the values behind their giving in real-time.
But even well-intentioned support can morph into a pattern that leaves everyone feeling stuck.
The Hidden Risks of Ongoing Financial Support
Adult children who consistently receive financial help often delay developing critical life skills. They may not learn how to manage a budget, plan for emergencies, or make trade-offs between wants and needs.
And what about family dynamics? One sibling might receive help buying a home while another receives nothing. This could lead to quiet resentment or even outright conflict, especially when parents pass away and old tensions resurface during estate discussions.
Then there’s the impact on your own financial goals. That second vacation home you were saving for? Or the charitable cause you’ve wanted to support more meaningfully? Ongoing financial commitments to adult kids can quietly chip away at those dreams. And perhaps most importantly, sustained support can build expectations rather than appreciation. Instead of feeling grateful, some adult children come to view the help as a given.
Signs It’s Time to Step Back
Every family is different, but there are some signals worth paying attention to:
- Your child has reached milestones like job stability or homeownership, yet still relies on your support.
- Financial independence feels more like a moving target than a clear objective.
- You feel guilty, tense, or even dread writing the next check.
- Your own financial planning indicates that ongoing support is no longer aligned with your long-term goals.
If any of this feels familiar, it may be time to rethink how you’re supporting them. And what kind of support makes sense going forward.
Transitioning With Love and Structure
Stepping back doesn’t mean abandoning your values or cutting ties. It means being intentional about what your support looks like going forward.
Begin with an open and honest conversation with your kids. Express your love and your belief in their ability to thrive independently. Be clear about your plan to reduce financial involvement, and give them time to adjust.
For example: “Over the next 12 to 18 months, we’re going to gradually decrease our support by 25% each quarter. Let’s use this time to build up your budgeting and savings habits together.”
This is also a great time to introduce or reinforce financial literacy. Budgeting, saving, and investing are skills that take practice. Share your own experiences or consider bringing in a financial advisor who can speak with them directly. If estate planning is in the mix, involve them in the broader picture—but without the blank check.
Alternatives That Build Responsibility
You can remain supportive without writing checks. Here are a few ways:
- Savings matches: Offer to match their Roth IRA or emergency fund contributions.
- Tools over transfers: Give them access to financial planning software or connect them with an advisor.
- Create a family DAF: Involve them in charitable giving to build shared purpose.
- One-time help, with boundaries: A home down payment can be an appropriate option—just structure it legally and communicate expectations clearly.
A Wealthwhile® Approach: Purpose Over Provision
My goal with clients has never been just about growing a portfolio. It’s about aligning resources with meaning. Helping adult children shouldn’t derail your values; it should reflect them.
That might mean stepping back from provision and leaning into stewardship. And that might just be the most powerful gift you ever give your children.
From Support to Stewardship
Give yourself permission to evolve. The parent-child relationship doesn’t end; it changes. Your role shifts from primarily underwriting to more coaching and modeling.
This is how legacy takes shape: not just through money, but through wisdom, boundaries, and love that prepare the next generation to thrive on their own terms.
I believe the best plans are grounded in purpose. If you’d like to explore how to align your financial support with your family’s long-term well-being—or simply want to talk through what stewardship could look like in your situation—I’d be glad to help. Feel free to call (317) 469-2455, email ssteel@deerfieldfa.com, or book time on my calendar. And if you’re curious what it’s like to work together, you can hear directly from my clients here.
About Susie
Susie Steel is COO, Wealth Manager, and Senior Shareholder at Deerfield Financial Advisors, a fee-only financial advisory and wealth management firm with offices in Indianapolis and Chicago. With over three decades of experience in financial planning, Susie’s approach has always been rooted in a spirit of service, treating each client as an extension of her own family. She simplifies the complex for clients, with the goal of creating a calm, trusting, and nurturing environment. Her unwavering commitment to the principle of “To whom much is given, much will be required” serves as the driving force behind her dedication, diligence, and empathy.
Susie obtained a business management degree from Ball State University, holds the CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER® designation, and held the Accredited Estate Planner (AEP®) designation from the National Association of Estate Planners & Councils (NAEPC) from 2013 to 2018. Susie is actively involved with an extensive list of professional organizations, including NAPFA (The National Association of Personal Financial Advisors), a premier association of fee-only financial advisors, and has served on multiple boards, committees, and councils. Her consistent recognition as one of Indianapolis Monthly’s “Five Star Wealth Managers” for the past decade attests to her outstanding accomplishments (2009-2025).
Outside the professional realm, Susie has contributed to her community through numerous efforts including her involvement in the Financial Center First Credit Union (FCFCU), the Indianapolis Children’s Museum Planned Giving Council, the Kiwanis Club of Northwest Indianapolis, and Junior Achievement. She mentors women through the CFP® Board’s “WIN-to-WIN” program, embodies the spirit of Rotary Club of Carmel, advocates for Indiana Canine Assistant Network (ICAN), and actively serves on the board of the Mary Rigg Neighborhood Center (MRNC).
Susie and her husband, Kevin, reside in Carmel, Indiana, where they raised their three children. Outside the office, her focus centers around family, spirituality, and fostering meaningful connections. Embracing the concept of the body as a temple, her personal growth is nurtured through practices like strength training, yoga, and meditation. In her leisure time, she enjoys strolls with her dog, Lulu, and indulges in movies, podcasts, books, and the theater. To learn more about Susie, connect with her on LinkedIn.
